Big news and a step in faith

A month ago I posted my feeling that God was preparing us for something BIG! While I didn't have any preconceived notions on what exactly this might mean, Jess and I have been open to conception since May. Right before Halloween I took a pregnancy test and discovered that we are pregnant!

This pregnancy feels A LOT different from my pregnancy with Jake. For the past month I've felt nauseous about three-quarters of every day. I've been consuming great quantities of food, seeing as this is the thing that seems to help the most. My belly has already popped out and prompted me to dig out maternity clothes, which is WAY earlier than I expected or would like. At nine weeks pregnant, I look four months. Guess my body remembers what to do. At work I've gotten several knowing looks from colleagues but none have directly asked. (Thank you.)

I've been crawling into bed shortly after putting Jake down (and sometimes even before he's down.) While I'm fatigued, this early turn in is mostly an attempt to escape how crummy I feel through the balm of sleep. I'm chilled most of the time and have intestinal issues to boot. (Perhaps my body is rebelling against all the fiber I'm consuming?) Some days have been a struggle just to make it back to my pillow. I've been grumpy, short in patience, introverted, selfish and generally not much fun to be around. (Though this time my Scrabble game isn't effected!)

This morning a dear friend called and we were able to chat for nearly a half hour. Her call was truly a gift from God. He spoke wisdom through her and this conversation has challenged my faith. You see, while I'm so grateful to be blessed with this gift of life, I've also been afraid to get attached to him or her. Several of my friends have had miscarriages and this has left a huge impact on me. I've grieved for their babies and hopes lost and acutely realized that this can or could be me. This seed has caused me to withhold my trust from God.

My dear girlfriend, who recently lost a baby after five months of pregnancy, shared that she loves being pregnant. During pregnancy she feels that she's a mother to her unborn child already and desires to be the best mother she can, even while baby is in the womb. I hadn't thought about that. This idea radically changes my current attitude.

I'm a mother right now to this child, even if in spirit. So what kind of legacy do I want to share with this sweet pea, even if I do not get to carry her to full term? When we meet, on Earth or in Heaven, do I really want her experience of me to be that of a grumpy, uncomfortable, impatient and hard to please person? What if these feelings somehow get implanted on her little soul?

So, I'm going to walk forward in faith. I'm going to choose to trust my God every day. When I find myself mistrusting or holding back, I need to get on my knees and ask for forgiveness and aid in continuing to trust.

I'm going to trust that He loves me enough to bless us with this awesome gift. I'm going to trust that He is knitting her (or him!) together in my womb and He has a plan for her (and for us!) This soul certainly is His, and we are merely a stewards as parents. But I am a mom to this child now. What kind of mom to I want to be? I shall not let my physical discomfort shape my attitude. I know that I'll still be uncomfortable but I cannot let this affect how I relate to others.

Jake clearly senses something is different. He's been all about momma, wanting to be held and carried around, whereas normally he's quite fiercely independent. I wonder if knows that his world is going to radically change this summer. Do kids have that kind of intuition?

Tomorrow is my first doctor's appointment. I'm looking forward to hearing a heartbeat!

Dear friend, you know who you are. Thank you for calling. Thank you for sharing your faith walk with me these many years. You are encouraging, brave and strong. I love and admire you. Thank you for reminding me that it's not all about me. Thank you for reminding me that He can be trusted, even if things turn out differently than I hope. Thank you for gently nudging me in the right direction. I needed the nudge.